The Marriage Button

I always thought it was ironic that--more often than not--people invited to speak in singles wards found marriage such a novel topic--as if it had never been addressed before. Even more ironic was these people who give advice most readily all got married before they were born and never experienced what it was like to date beyond the age of 20--let alone 25+ within the LDS faith. Marriage talks always had a little routine script to them. First, we must be identified as being single--as if no on in the congregation knew or this was a status easily forgotten. Once status has been established, we discussed how to change our status . . . . by playing the "dating game" and tips on how we can make that final touch down. I have heard just about everything in relation to securing a mate, from "take the initiative" and ask him out to "stop being so picky" and marry the first person who asks . . . . but nothing like this Sunday.

This particular marriage talk started out pretty standard. Reminders of our singleness and calls to turn towards marital bliss. But then, a living example. . . . a testimonial of a woman who took her single life into her own hands. There was a young man in the ward she wanted to marry but she was unsure how to secure his affection. After much study she decided to touch his arm just so. Unsure if this method would really work, she tested her theory on a male subject she was not as interested in who subsequently asked her out. Sure she had found power over the male gender, she politely declined and raced towards the man of her dreams. She reached out her hand, held her breath, and touched his upper arm. They are happily married to this day.

I couldn't believe it. She had done it. Cracked the code. Broken through the male mind and found the "marriage button." I scanned the congregation of fellow professionals. Lawyers, educators, financial analysts, speech pathologists...it was clear none of us, though well educated, had heard of this marriage button before. It was soo simple. Any fool could get married. Why had I not figured this out before? My friends and I had tried everything else. Dating. Building relationships. Flirting. Conversations about common interests. Making out. All this time and all we had to do was touch his upper arm??!??!!?

As soon as sacrament meeting was over, I Oprah-power-walked to the social hall to grab first dibs on one of the males seated in the congregation. I scanned the crowd. With a ratio of 5 women to 1 man, and every girl with this new knowledge, I had to act fast. Finally, I saw someone. Blonde hair, brown eyes--and an inch or two shorter than me. What was his name? What did he do? Did he like children? I stopped. Now was no time for these silly questions. Slowly, I reached out my hand, placed it in between his right shoulder and elbow and squeezed for a count of "one Mississippi". I felt his arm tense as he flexed his muscles to impress me with the results of his avid weightlifting. Yes. I had found it. The marriage button. This would be a good match. We will be married on the 4th on Boston's kissing bridge with fireworks in the background.

If only I had known the simplicity of this secret sooner, I would have saved myself years of heartache--including--my study abroad to London, getting a Masters degree, buying a condo, humanitarian work in Kenya, trips to various places around the world, swimming with wild dolphins..........having to jump out of that blasted plane...*sigh*.

In efforts so that every young woman can get married as soon as possible without having to experience other aspects of life, I have decided to leave my field as a speech pathologist and start a "Marriage Button Training Center." There, my future husband and I will offer courses to help other women secure a mate. We have already looked into getting dummies with sensors on their arms. They will be useful so that women coming to our program can perfect the pressure of the arm touch and length of the squeeze. We will also engage in research activities to perfect finding and pushing the marriage button. For example, length of time to hold the arm and the amount of pressure applied varies from one male to another. There are also issues of eye contact that have been yet to be addressed. Until then, I look forward to seeing you all at my reception.

P.S. Don't think of trying to steal my idea about the sensor dummies. What's his name and I have the copyright in the works.